Not Ready To Make Nice

Yesterday I engaged in an act of charitable kindness.


Don't be disgusting - not that kind of act.


I have decided to use an extremely high quality 'Paint' diagram to aid with descriptive purposes of this random act of generosity, as well as talk about myself in the third person. It helps me with closure. So here goes:

• Brizzle is taking a leisurely stroll on a sunny Wednesday afternoon.
• Brizzle notices an elderly man in an electric wheelchair on the pavement 20 metres ahead of her.
• Brizzle also notices, with alarm, a large recycling bin that has been inconsiderately placed half way across the pavement.
• [This part is in slow motion - Baywatch style] Brizzle screams 'Noooooooooo' then proceeds to dive towards the bin, eliminates the hazzard and army rolls a few times for effect. (OK, so I have exaggerated a little.... But the point is that I did move the bin out of the incapacitated gentleman's way so that he didn't have to engage in bumper bins)
• Brizzle smiles at the gentleman, to highlight the fact that acts of kindness do occur in today's society old timer!
• Elderly wheelchair man gazes at Brizzle and bootscoots it out of there without so much as a nod or a "thank you".

What the smeg is with that?! Even a smile would have be gracious, but nothing? NOTHING!?

I don't care if his facial muscles have deteriorated from a stroke, lift a little friggen finger or tip your hat (isn't that what old people do?) - anything to acknowledge how great I am!

Karma will bite him on his wrinkly ass that he can no longer wipe and I will continue on my dogooding ways - smiting all those who ignore my saintly nature.

You have been warned.

Irritable Blog Syndrome

Apologies for not having blogged in a while, but I was cyber constipated for good reason - Gav sent his blog possy here and the pressure was just too much. I don’t want experienced bloggers visiting my site and virtually shunning me, I just can’t handle that sort of rejection!

Boys And Their Toys
The boy has a new toy and this worries me for one main reason:
I will forever be searching for a little red light when jumping in to bed, the shower or the bath. How can I relax knowing that my voyeuristic boyfriend is armed with his beloved camera? (Think Ricky from ‘American Beauty’ or, if you’d prefer, Beautiful Weirdo from ‘Not Another Teen Movie). He’s already busted me on film getting my head stuck attempting to take off a jumper.

Can I put a camera in the lady toilet? High five!

Victory Is Mine!
Boonie and Beefy are now situated next to the computer. Granted, they’ve scared the living daylights out of me at least two times today, but at least they won’t be eyeballing me when I’m making out with the boy. And yes, I did say “making out”, and no, I’m not 14.

Do A ‘Lil Dance, Make A ‘Lil Love, Get Down Tonight!
I went to a 40th birthday party on Saturday night, and Christ can the geriatrics party! The drinks provided were - wait for it - jelly shots and daiquiris!!!!!!! (The exclamation marks should indicate just how fabulous this occurrence was, oh, and here’s a few more to reinforce this: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) No Passion Pop for me!
Needless to say, I was dancing alongside the veterans for most of the night. For visualisation purposes, combine an intoxicated Nikki Webster (of the Sydney Olympics era, not the skank ho Ralph modeling era) dancing with a footloose Cornelia Frances and you have a slight indication of the night's hilarity.

"If you want my body, and you think I'm sexy....."

" Naa naa naa naa naa.... na na na na na na, na na na na na na"

Let us end of the wisdom that is Rod Stewart......

Each year an estimated 30,000 people are reported missing in Australia

The Beefy doll was discovered on top of the toilet last night, with Boonie’s whereabouts still unknown. I do believe that Gav is about to file a missing persons report however I, on the other hand, have enjoyed a day in a bogan free oasis.








David Boon (‘Boonie doll’)
'Boonie doll', who would have just turned 2 weeks old, was last seen by his
father Gavin Dixon in mid November 2006. His disappearance was a huge shock for both his father and his friend Beefy.
'Boonie doll' was last captured on CCTV attempting to hitchhike, and later entering a blue Ford stationwagon:

If you have seen 'Boonie doll' or have any informatiom regarding his disappearance, please contact the National Missing Persons Unit on 1800 000 634 or visit http://www.missingpersons.gov.au/

Let's hope Boonie is alive and well and has simply embarked on a week long bender in preparation for the Ashes.

This blog is void of wit, humour and general content, really.

It’s a Saturday night (7:27pm, to be exact).


I have not been invited out.


I have texted my best friend in desperation. No reply.


I have read an entire novel.


I have just cracked open a bottle of Chardonnay to drink on my own.


I am blogging.

Nesting (Part 1)

Apparently Gav and I are 'nesting' (in the general sense, not the literal sense), and I have taken it upon myself to instigate some fridge stocktake and get you, dear reader, to determine what I should throw out....

• Sunraysia 'Simply Lemon Juice' [use by date: 11/04/06]
• Sundried tomato tapenade [half opened]
• Schwepps ginger ale [one third consumed]
• Schwepps tonic water [one third consumed]
• 5 bottles various salad dressing
• 1 600ml Lucozade [one half consumed]
• Dairy Farmers Kids Selection Yoghurt 'Strawberry Squeeze' [use by date: 11/10/06]
• 1 Sterling Light
• 4 Pure Blondes
• 3 Jim Beam cans
• 1 Kilkenny can
• 43 VB cans

Questions raised:

1. What the feck is tapanade and how is it possibly any use?!
2. Didn't ginger ale and tonic water disappear with happy pants and Mariah Carey?
3. Is five salad dressings slightly excessive for someone who admits to hating, no despising, salad?
4. Will a child notice the green bits in yogurt and dismiss it as the surprise toy rather then the mouldy residue from it being one month out of date!?
5. Is fifty-two individual drinks in the one fridge for the one person considered alcoholism?

At least it's not out of date....

Ponder thoughtfully........

I Heart Ringwood

Brizzle's journey from Kilsyth to Nunawading using the always efficent Maroondah highway:

Sigh.......

Damn it!

Oh for fu**s sake!!!!!!!

Brizzles subsequent journey along the Eastern Freeway:

Yay - finally!

Smite me, O Mighty Smiter!

So in summary, I'll let the following icon do the talking to God, Mr Howard, Mr Bracks, Transport Minister Peter Batchelor, all of you bastards who decided to travel at 9:30 am on the Eastern Freeway and the evil little goblins who see me coming and trigger the red lights:

Battle Of The Simpletons

Imagine, if you will, that you are lying in bed, your loving gaze wandering between your significant other and an episode of ‘Extras’ . You are relaxed, slightly horny and ever so sleepy – all in all, quite chipper really. Then….




“GET ME A BEER!”




T’was a doll strategically planted on the television that uttered these words (and not Gav surprisingly…..). A doll not quite as satanic as Chucky, skank-ho as Barbie or genitally challenged as action man, but one of these little buggers:

Apparently the two sporadically engage in 'witty' banter, particularly during the cricket.

Well, Victoria Bitter promotions manager, here’s a few hints for ya:

1. Lovin’ will not occur whilst two fat figurines randomly shout idiotic masculinity-affirming comments.
2. Said fat figurines scare the absolute bejesus out of you when home alone at night.
3. Being screamed at when you are at the ‘almost asleep’ stage (you know, where you start to drool a little, your thoughts become fantasy and the pillow has formed a head mould) is not desirable in the slightest and reinforces point #1
4. The rate at which these fat, hairy men speak is exponential to the rate to which you feel angry, irritated and resentful, and this will result in possible injury to the Boonie and Beefy dolls and reinforces, again, point #1
5. And last, but not least, keep drinking VB and you'll be fatter then Kirstie Alley and Oprah combined(*).

That is all.

(*Oh, Oprah my God, forgive me, forgive me.......)

Opportunity Shopping

Two days ago my mum uttered words that made me want to glue my nose shut and lunge for a contamination suit: ‘let’s just pop in to the op shop’.

SARS? Anthrax? OLD PEOPLE SMELL!?

Dreaded why? Because ‘pop in’ would normally indicate that she wanted to have a quick browse, but where an op shop is concerned this is never the case. You see, an op shop is staffed by old people and old people like to talk, particularly when they get one customer every 2.5 hours - it’s science. To make matters worse, as we entered the op shop I heard mum say ‘Hi June’.



Oh crap.



Not only was the old soul going to talk mum’s ear off, but she was going to be interested in talking to me – the offspring of her area of interest.
I went through the motions……. I’ve just finished uni…bla bla…… glad it’s over……going to look for work soon…. Bla bla… this place smells like mothballs…. bla bla… can I vomit in that doily over there?......

As I was contemplating purchasing some Glade for their personal use, I stumbled across some CD’s. Yes – CD’s! And guess what I found….

Hit Machine 23 and an East 17 album. Oh yes, God has rewarded me for my efforts – I didn’t enter this nauseatingly stinky ye op shoppe for nothing! Now before you slam my taste in music, let me just say there were some rippers on the Hit Machine 23, all of which remind me of certain places and times:

‘If You Could Read My Mind’ [Stars on 54] reminded me of watching ‘54’ when I was 13 and feeling happy in my pants.

‘Hard Knock Life’ [Jay Z] reminded me of this little gem.

‘Got The Feelin’ [Five] reminded me of choreographing dances with my friends. And by choreographing, I mean copying the film clip. Oh God I loved Rich and his baby blue eyes. My teenage hormones appreciated him ever so much.

Oh, I've got the feeling alright!

And as for East 17 – I’ll let the following film clip do the talking……..

School's Out FOREVER!

Last Wednesday signaled the end of four years of steady, tedious, stressful and time consuming university studies. No more homework, no more exams and no more paying the government to learn – shit yeah!

To celebrate this life changing event it was decided that a group of us would frequent Brett’s Ocean Grove beach property and do so with a distinct lack of style.

I expected, and rightly so, an alcohol induced haze in relation to the events that would occur over the 3 days, so I recorded all things worthy on the back of a McDonald’s placemat.
Oh yeah, I’m all class people.

So here it is, three days of pure happiness and relaxation reduced to a blog 2 minutes in length. Enjoy:

1) The Car Ride To Ocean Grove

* Bypassing Werribee, much to the delight of the females in the car.

* Ez and I sang ‘I Don’t Feel Like Dancing’ in falsetto, probably deterring the male Werribeeans anyhow.

* Stopping at McDonald’s and observing the pleasantries of a delightful couple – a chubby middle aged man wiped his sweaty bald head with a serviette whilst his equally robust wife inhaled her share of Kenya’s cheeseburgers

* The latter part of the journey Ez and I sang, no screamed, MMMbop, and it looked like Brett was actually going to deliberately crash the car just to shut us up.

2) Night One

* Nathan being slightly over enthusiastic over the playstation game ‘Buzz’. In fact, there were visible forehead veins popping out. I wouldn’t be surprised if he did a bit of a wee, actually.

* Mich yelling “I’M NOT DRUNK!” and then proceeding to knock her bourbon all over the pool table.

* All of us pretending to be part of a band whilst playing a playstation game that involves a pretend guitar and the song ‘I love Rock and Roll’. Hella fun – and I rocked just quietly. I think I should take up guitar.

* Brett’s totally readable poker face. Sorry dude – a 12 year old Malowi girl would have a more serious face than you….

3) The Next Day – Surfing

* Watching Nathan try to get out of bed after a rather intoxicating night

* Two words: hot instructor

* Face planting Nathan’s butt trying to “rescue” him as I attempted to paddle to shore.

* Mich swimming without a wetsuit on a cloudy 16 degree day and turning a strange blue colour.

* A bird choosing, out of all of the people in the entire world, to send a bullet of its WARM faecal matter on my twice showered arm. Fucker.


4) Night Two
* Playing ‘have you ever’ and learning some very interesting facts about my fellow university peeps.

* Amy blowing up a condom (and enjoying it!).

* The sex questions. And discussion. And answers.

* The Hi Ho song (will place a link at a later stage – patience is a virtue!)

* Cooking a 5 star dinner with the team.

* Singing drunk messages into Shano’s voicemail. Enjoy.

* Thinking this actually sounded decent: “You’re the voice try and understand it, make a noise and make it clear, woooooooooooah, woooooooooooooooooooah”



I’ll miss you guys!

Uni is over. [Cue Vitamin C song 'Graduation']







Let the drinking commence…..



* Photos, video footage and songs to come in the next week. It will be worth the wait.