Battle Of The Simpletons

Imagine, if you will, that you are lying in bed, your loving gaze wandering between your significant other and an episode of ‘Extras’ . You are relaxed, slightly horny and ever so sleepy – all in all, quite chipper really. Then….




“GET ME A BEER!”




T’was a doll strategically planted on the television that uttered these words (and not Gav surprisingly…..). A doll not quite as satanic as Chucky, skank-ho as Barbie or genitally challenged as action man, but one of these little buggers:

Apparently the two sporadically engage in 'witty' banter, particularly during the cricket.

Well, Victoria Bitter promotions manager, here’s a few hints for ya:

1. Lovin’ will not occur whilst two fat figurines randomly shout idiotic masculinity-affirming comments.
2. Said fat figurines scare the absolute bejesus out of you when home alone at night.
3. Being screamed at when you are at the ‘almost asleep’ stage (you know, where you start to drool a little, your thoughts become fantasy and the pillow has formed a head mould) is not desirable in the slightest and reinforces point #1
4. The rate at which these fat, hairy men speak is exponential to the rate to which you feel angry, irritated and resentful, and this will result in possible injury to the Boonie and Beefy dolls and reinforces, again, point #1
5. And last, but not least, keep drinking VB and you'll be fatter then Kirstie Alley and Oprah combined(*).

That is all.

(*Oh, Oprah my God, forgive me, forgive me.......)